Without
by Kara Papas
Summary: Apart...
1. Without You

**A WARNIGN TO THOSE WHO HAVE ENJOYED MY  
SHIZNAT STORIES...THIS IS NOT THAT  
I APOLOGIZE FOR WRITING THIS!!!  
READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!**

**A/N:** So after that warning I'd like to say this is a Shiznat story without the physical pairing of Shiznat...it is a Natsuki without Shizuru story and there other way around too. Don't kill me.

Disclaimer: yadda yada...Maihime and sunrise damn it.

Without

The years that passed proved to be a test of time. Natsuki and Shizuru fought a least once a week and made up soon afterwards. Mai never enjoyed hearing about her best friend's sex life. Mai would always shrill "TMI" and Natsuki just chuckle. But yes, the years had been long, and Natsuki no longer lived in her apartment that she eventually asked her long time girlfriend to share with her. Mai stayed at a dorm in Fuka University and had long since been single since Tate told her she didn't need a higher education and she could just stay at "their" home with "their" children and do what she does best; cook. Natsuki remembered that because she was the firs person who got called down over there. It was no problem for her to get there. She and Shizuru loved Mai very much and helping her out with getting rid of Tate was no problem.

But those were the years that passed. Natsuki now shared a dorm room with Mai. They were both very busy girl so needless to say they had been in college longer than your average group of girls, but they were having fun and it worked for them.

"Mai, I'm going to the airport now okay?" Natsuki said putting down her last box inside the rather LARGE dorm room. Shizuru was waiting for her there. The security issues made things difficult for Natsuki to see Shizuru off. She was going to America for about a year to study for her master's degree. Natsuki did not complain about Shizuru moving on because she knew she'd return.

"Okay Natsuki and remember don't start crying until you come back home. That way I can have a nice cup of hot coco to make you feel better, ne?" Mai said as she opened a box. Natsuki laughed on her way out grabbing her helmet.

She stood in the airport's temp parking looked at the time on her watch. She had about an hour with Shizuru. She would be waiting at the check out counter already done and jsut waiting. Natsuki walked inside the building and saw her tawny haired goddess waiting for her.

"Oi! Shizuru!" Natsuki yelled running over earning some glares from the Security guards. She didn't care as she watched Shizuru smile and wave at her.

"Natsuki you shouldn't run. What if you feel and her your cute behind?" Shizuru said as put her hands on Natsuki's waist pulling girl closer to her.

"Mou, Shizuru...you said you wouldn't tease me today." Natsuki said getting extremely red as leaned in to kiss her, but Shizuru stopped her by placing her hand in the way. "What the matter Shizuru?"

"Natsuki..." her voice was weak. Natsuki heart skipped a beat. This was what she feared on this day. Would it end here? "Natsuki, I will be gone for a year...maybe a bit longer, but just a bit. So, I don't want you to be lonely. Please feel free to date around while I'm gone."

"Shizuru! How can you suggest such a thing?" Natsuki said in a baffled voice holding her closer.

"Well, you'd see it be more beneficial for us in the long run." Shizuru said with teasing voice, but she meant it.

"Mmm, how so?" Natsuki asked as slowly released Shizuru frm her hold letting her hand slide down her Shizuru hand.

"When we finally get to be together again...it will be...like the first time...you know." Shizuru smiled. "And who knows, you may learn something new while we're apart."

Natsuki coughed and nodded. "You maybe right about that..."

So that is where it went. The powerful relationship of Shizuru and Natsuki went on standby. Natsuki was allowed one last kiss and before too long Shizuru had been gone for more than a month and school had become Natsuki main focus. A week warlier Natsuki discovered she was late for her new job and she desperately needed the shower, but Mai was just getting in. Natsuki couldn't afford to start her new job smelling like a troll. She barged in the bathroom and pulled the shower curtains open revealing a naked Mai. Mai covered her chest with her arms and crotched down to the ground to conceal everything.

"HENTAI! BAKA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING NATSUKI???" Mai screamed seeing Natsuki standing there with only towel in front of her body.

"Shit, you just got in didn't you? GOD DAMN IT! I don't have time to wait for you to finish. I'm coming with you." Natsuki grunted as the towel fell and Mai eyes stayed.

"You can't come in here...Natsuki...this is wrong!" Mai stuttered.

"Shut up and just try to finish up or you'll be late for you mornign class." Natsuki said stood under the shower head.

Needless to say the shower process was bit odd, but it worked out for the better as the two ended up talking later that evening. Mai stretched her arms up while stretching out her back when Natsuki silently walked into the dorm. Natsuki saw the stretching Mai and got and evil grin. "She's left herself wide open for a tickle attack. hehehehe" Natsuki quickly scrambled over and started tickling Mai. Mai eyes started to water as she crumbled to the ground to escape Natsuki, but to no avail. Natsuki followed her best friend to the ground and Mai in a last ditch effort rolled on to her back making Natsuki stop. Mai laughed and wiped the tears from her eyes as Natsuki hovered by her. Natsuki puffed looked at the ceiling, then Mai, and shrugged. Natsuki straddle Mai's hips and continued her attack.

"NATSUKI STOP!!" Mai roared with laughter. "I'll puke..." That made Natsuki stop almost immediately, but she stayed in that position over Mai. Mai opened her eyes again and saw a particular look on Natsuki face. All Natsuki could think about was who else she had shared this position with before. The flushed hot face with tears rolling down her face. Natsuki put her hands above Mai's shoulders against the ground and lowered herself.

"Mai..." Natsuki said softly. Mai didn't move a muscle as her best friend slowly became something else. She shut her eyes and let herself go as her lips met with Natsuki's.

It was later in the bedroom when Natsuki finally realized she had gone too far. Mai body was below her sweat drenched and panting.

"Why'd you stop..." Mai panted. Natsuki shut her eyes.

"You know this is only temporary, right, Mai?" Natsuki said in her tired husky voice. Mai knew it and she nodded. She had been lonely for the last few years so she really didn't care, but she knew. Natsuki leaned down kissing Mai passionately as she continued.

"Ah..I don't care...Natsuki! If you...you..n-need me...yes..you can have me that way." Mai struggled to say. The night was eventually over and the best friends lay together no longer friends.

* * *

Mini Feed without Shizuru: 

Natsuki: MATTE!!! -yells at shizuru-

Mai: -reads chapter one- OMG

Kara: -sneeking out-

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You are not required to review 


	2. Messed Up

A/N: This was originally a blog entry story. So I had to do some editing and adding or rather more merging the entires together to make this into a giant chapter. So I had to change the POV from first person to third person. 

A/N 2: I have a personal attachment to this story now...this went wrong...ah well.

Disclaimer: Sunrise Medical...I mean Sunrise owns that which is Mai hime.

Chapter 2 Messed Up

So this is what they call a lover, Natsuki thought about three days later after that night she had with Mai. Natsuki was sitting outside of Mai's job waiting for her to get off work. Natsuki heart was still hurting from time to time, but Mai helped. She helped so much. All the anxiety of life Natsuki suffered...she'd take it all. However Natsuki was terrified that she was starting to love Mai. It wasn't a bad thing to love, but how did Shizuru expect this to go.

Mai walked out waving goodbye to everyone inside. Natsuki never announced when she was going to pick Mai up from work so she usually headed to the bus stop. Natsuki smirked as she kept her eyes focus upon Mai's curves. Natsuki put her helmet, revved her bikes engine and started to head towards Mai when she noticed this creepy man following Mai. Natsuki heart leapt as the man drew closer and she did too.

The damn words kept haunting Natsuki for an entire week as she walked around the science faculties of Searrs Foundation greatest rival; Sunrise Medical. Her new job as a security guard didn't bother Natsuki in the slightest. Natsuki spent most of her time patrolling the halls in search of mysterious and shady people of course she had no luck with that.

Natsuki thoughts had remained on that one day; almost haunting in her mind. Natsuki had sped towards the man behind Mai mustering all the fury she could from the deepest parts of her heart. The man's outstretched hands were about to land upon Mai's shoulder when Natsuki crashed into his body with with her precious Ducati. Natsuki stopped the bike and proceeded to pummel the man until she had to be stopped.

"God damn fuck! Don't you dare touch my girl!" Natsuki shouted as her fist crashed into the man's face over and over. Mai had quickly run up behind Natsuki and pulled her off the man fearing he was dead. In Natsuki's deepest thought she believed that Mai should have let her finish him off. The world does not need creatures like that.

So the words, the ones that have been haunting Natsuki at school and work; Natsuki could not believe she heard Mai say them. Natsuki knew she said "my girl" and she had no idea why. It was about two days after that incident and Natsuki came home from work a little sore because a scientist had wanted to leave the research building with confidential documents. Natsuki had been ordered to stop him. By the time Natsuki caught up to him outside of the building he was already in his car. However Natsuki was not terrified of vehicles coming at her. So Natsuki jumped up and landed on the hood while balling herself up as she went through the front window, and then Natsuki proceeded by beat the living daylights out of the scientist. Natsuki had justified that as stopping him and then returned the documents. Natsuki had only received bruise and thankfully no cuts.

Natsuki told Mai about her exciting day and Mai ended up drawing a bath for Natsuki and joined her. This was not a good idea. Natsuki thoughts would always drift to what Shizuru and her would do during or after a bath; sex. And so, Natsuki found herself holding a panting Mai and as she climaxed it happened. She said the words with her name.

"Natsuki...I love you..." Mai had said before passing out. And Natsuki's only response was.

"Baka..."

_Mai why did you say that? WHY? WHY? WHY?_

Natsuki couldn't think straight. Natsuki was more than certain her teacher thought she was crazy because they kicked Natsuki out class for shouting "Fuck it". It just slipped out when Natsuki was thinking about Shizuru and then...Mai's voice. "Natsuki...I love you..." _No you can't love me._ _No you just can't._ Natsuki tried everything in her mind to rationslize it; it was the sex. _Yeah, that's it. GOD!! Why is this happening. Shizuru, where are you right now? Are you doing this too? Are you having some idle relationship while we are apart? I know we agreed but this is absurd!  
_  
Natsuki found herself pacing the hallways of the route she was assigned to protect when her cellphone rang. Natsuki looked around to make sure no one could see...although there were cameras so, she gave a defeated sigh with falling shoulders and answered her phone.

"Hello?"

"Natsuki...your shift should be over by now..."

"Yeah, I know Mai but they asked me to stay an extra hour..."

"I heard you got kicked out of class today. What's up with that Natsuki? Did you threaten the teacher or something?"

"Mou, I can't help it if the old man can't handle cussing. All I said was fuck it. Gee, it's like the end of the world or something. So, uh, go ahead and eat without me Mai...I'll be home in about thirty minutes."

"Oh...okay...I'll wait okay. Don't be angry...I want to wait. And don't you give the speech about how this isn't a real relationship Natsuki!"

The phone hung up. Mai was serious about it. Natsuki's phone started ringing again. Natsuki grunted and decide that she'd set this straight. The relationship was a farce. Natsuki would only ever love Shizuru.

"I don't love you damn it!" Natsuki heard an unpleasant cough on the other end.

"Ara, I know I've been gone for about a month or so, but to here that you love me anymore Natsuki, it break my poor little heart..." said the Kyoto accented voice in a teasing manner.

It was the moment Natsuki did not want to live in. She said something she could not take back instantly because it would mean she would have to admit to her idle relationship. Natsuki knew the she and Shizuru had agreed on it, but Natsuki knew Shizuru would have never thought that she'd actually do it. Natsuki didn't realize she had done it. _What am I thinking? Yes I did it...in fact I did it a lot with Mai. But I was always thinking of you Shizuru but that makes it so wrong you know. It makes it very wrong.  
_

"Shizuru...I was...I..."

"You are as eloquent as ever Natsuki.."

"Shizuru..."

Natsuki heard a muffled sound on Shizuru's end. Shizuru's hand is over the sound piece, but Natsuki could still hear bits and pieces of the conversation.

"Who...talking...Shizuru."

Natsuki could hear Shizuru just fine despite her hand.

"Ara, I'm just talking to my...to...oh how do I put this..."

_She's struggling for words. No, you are with someone. I can hear them clearly too_.

"Well let's just see who this is!" Natsuki heard a muffling, rubbing, and struggling sounds. Shizuru was fight someone for the phone The phone has been captured, but by who. Natsuki heard a door slam which was proceeded by pounding sounds in the background.

"Shizuru!" Natsuki had to yell to see if Shizuru had been the victor. She was wrong.

"I knew there was someone else! Who the hell are you? Tell me damn it!"

Natsuki couldn't find her logic. Her heart was swelling as she heard the female voice on the other line. This woman sounded older than Natsuki. She sounded obsessed. _But I'm worse than her.  
_

"I'm her fucking girlfriend you god damn bitch! Now give me back to Shizuru!"

"No...I'm not going to let you get back to her until you know what she's been doing over her while studying aboard."

_No, I know already...she's been doing you. But I already know how. She's having sex with you like she does when it's me...but the sex is empty. Each and every time it is empty because she has to keep her eyes shut to make believe I'm the one holding her. But you probably remind her that you are not me.  
_

"We fuck a lot you know...she's an animal. I love the way sucks on my..."

"STOP!!!!!" Natsuki screamed as sthe other woman continued the sentence through my scream. Natsuki did not hear it but she knew what the woman had said. Natsuki forgot, she was at work as she crumbled down to the floor in the hallway that she was patrolling. Natsuki was crying hysterically as she hung up my phone. _That bitch won. She won because I couldn't handle the fact of Shizuru making love to someone else. And I know she would be like me if she knew. However it would be worse if she knew who._

Natsuki clocked out early and went home to Mai. As Natsuki got home she opened the door and slammed it behind herself waking Mai from her napping position from the couch.

"Mmm Natsuki...why are you being so...NATSUKI WHATS WRONG?"

Natsuki felt Mai's arms wrap around her and her heart broke completely. _Shizuru has someone else._

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review if you want. 


	3. Betrayal

A/N: Okay here is Shizuru's side of the story...from the pick up of the last chapter.

Disclaimer: sunrise has taken everything from me...including Mai Hime.

Chapter 3 (Betrayal)

Shizuru's heart bleed in silence as she slid against the door. _I never wanted you, __Natsuki__, to know of my life here. __Never__. I could never have foreseen myself with another. __Only you...only you...__  
_

"Natsuki...Natsuki...Natsuki…Natsuki...forgive me...Natsuki"

The tears are burning Shizuru's face as her hands were no longer beating against the door. Shizuru's fear from so long ago was returning. _When I come back to you, you will not want me any longer. My touch will bring you intense displeasure. My paranoid heart thinks I have forced you into all of this. You are always such a sweet girl. You never had the heart to hurt anyone, but I could hurt you so easily. Your voice is ringing in my heart._

_**"I don't love you damn it!"**_

_You are hiding something from me, but I do not care_. Shizuru only had one desire of seeing Natsuki again. Shizuru heard the shouting through the door stop. Shizuru then realized she was on the floor weeping as Shizuru felt _her_ soar passed her. _I could not care for this woman anymore; __Natsuki_ Shizuru would not chase her because her legs would not engage; they did not want to move for Shizuru. The door to Shizuru's temporary residence here in the United States didn't slam or shut gently. Shizuru heard a frustrated sigh beside her.

"Shizuru, I see what you meant when you said not a serious relationship..." She sighed again as Shizuru slowly pulled herself from the ground. Shizuru's red eyes would not meet her hazel eyes. _I felt more shame for Natsuki finding than I did when Erin found out.  
_

_Natsuki I love you...don't leave me because of my foolish heart. What have I done?_

So Shizuru found herself at a very crushing crossroad. However Shizuru had many other things to worry about other than her relationship life. The relationship thing should trump her needs to finish her master's degree, but she could not function normally. Shizuru would go on as she always had. She had to breathe in and out and focus on anything but Natsuki. Her heart screamed wildly at her and would torture her during the smallest openings of listless thought. The heart was spiteful and would send all her strongest memories and desires to haunt her.

Shizuru's behavior in school became very limited to the actions of determined and lost. She did not know what to do as each day rolled on. Shizuru's long chestnut locks hung around her face as she listened to her last class of the day finish and shuffle out. The professor watched the lone woman slowly stand from her perch. The woman that stood in that class room was a lone soul scarred by the trivial nature of affections and comforts. The professor could see so much more from this student just as many others did. Her beauty was awe inspiring and terrifying. She had even become more beautiful with the dwindling sanity that she now only showed in her moments of listlessness which only few people ever noticed. Shizuru still was a master at hiding her true emotions but the eyes of the mask had dissolved showing her real ones. The person inside was dark, intimidating, and haunting. She was a fallen angel with broken wings making her ever ache searching the world for the immortal soul of her lover that was trapped in the body of a mortal girl. The image that lingered in the head of professor was shared by one other in the entire world; Natsuki Kuga. The professor shook his head to break himself from the drawing power of this woman's aura.

Shizuru was more or less trapped in her tormenting thoughts as she slowly passed the professor to leave. She wanted to reflect on herself and what she had done. The campus she attended was beautiful and had open green quad for student to sit on. Shizuru often went to the quad and sat by a tree on the edge of the quad. Shizuru slowly walked up that way when her cellphone started to ring. She ignored it for the first few calls. As she slowly inhaled the musty scent of the tree and the surrounding crushed grass as she leaned against the tree. She clenched the phone so hard her hand trembled as she shut her eyes as her thoughts started going to the darkest place of her heart.

She flipped the phone open and answered in English that was heavily accented in her native inflections.

"Hello, who is this?" Shizuru said keeping her voice strong and void of her true pain.

"I've been watching you for about five minutes Shizuru…" the voice said to Shizuru and then hung up.

Shizuru heard a fallen branch break under the weight of someone approaching. She kept her eyes shut as she felt the presence of someone in front of her. She knew you who there, but her heart took advantage of her. Her mind went to Natsuki. The memory was simple but love filled. She and Natsuki were in a park and she had leaned against tree to relax when Natsuki leaned forward and kiss her gently upon the lips and pulled away innocently shoving her hands in her pockets. Shizuru lingered in that memory as she felt lips upon hers as a lone tear went down her face; _Natsuki._ The hands of this person wrapped around her and pulled her closer as they prolonged the kiss plunging Shizuru into another memory. This memory was more intense than the actual moment. Shizuru couldn't pull herself from the memory and the emotion as her heart devoured her soul more and more. Shizuru violently pushed away the person in front of her.

"Stop…" Shizuru weakly said looking at the ground. The other woman stood where she had been pushed. This place meant something to the other woman. She had found Shizuru sitting there and started talking to Shizuru asking her where she came from. They had an instant connection. They both were superb flirts and the exchanges they made bubbled within their hearts. Shizuru felt oddly alive when interacting with them. However now, they stood several feet apart. Shizuru could not make eye contact because she knew what she'd do if she did. Shizuru spirit had become accustom to comforting herself with physical pleasures. The action was unlike her, but she needed a definite comfort.

"Shizuru, I will not leave you…." The woman said. "You need someone to be there for you and that is who I am damn it!" The American girl would not take Shizuru emotional distress as a warning; she took it as a full blown invitation. "I want to be with you. You can have all me. I want you to."

Shizuru's heart trembled as a pain grew there as she slapped a hand over the beating muscle. She clenched her teeth and slowly looked at the woman before her. In the temporary time she had known Erin, she had fallen for her completely. This woman was something different. A lost soul for another lost soul. That is how they connected. They connected in many _other_ fashions as well but the emotional attachment rivaled that of her love for Natsuki and she couldn't fight it. The feels were destroying her. She loved Natsuki greatly but she love Erin just as much.

"I can't…I don't know what I want anymore." Shizuru said in breath as her heart said more than she did. _I want you because you are here in front of me. You are now. I need someone, now to comfort my soul. I need someone to kiss me…to touch me. I want to take you; all of you. I want to kiss away the pain. I want Natsuki…but I cannot find her in you. I imagine endlessly…of her against my body. My hand traveling across her pale skin as my lips travel that path. OH but I love your skin too…just as smooth with it's own unique texture under my tongue and lips._ Shizuru's eyes had locked onto Erin's hazel eyes and Erin walked forward and capture Shizuru's lip once more pushing the Kyoto woman against the tree holding her wrists down.

"Stop Erin…please…stop…" Shizuru said between kisses and quiet pants.

"I never want…to lose…you…you belong to me Shizuru…" Erin said every time in response. She released Shizuru's wrist and found the arms wrapped around her as Shizuru broke from the kissing to rest her head on Erin's shoulder and began to weep against her new lover's body.

"Take me home…" _Natsuki…were is our home now? Lost in the darkness of our memories? Who is comforting you as I sleep with another?_


	4. Crushing

A/N: Okay here is another startling chapter of the mean story without...which a lot of you seem to like. You angsty people you!

Disclaimer: Mai Hime belongs to Sunrise but the break up of Shiznat is mine!

Without Chapter 4 (Crushing)

The tawny haired goddess had nothing else to say as she heard the keys jingle in front of her as she stared at the screen of her phone. She had resorted to texting Natsuki, but the words would not come. All she could muster was a pathetic "I'm sorry…" she scoffed at the words and closed her phone in anger voiding the existence of the message. Her red eyes rose to see the figure of a woman that had tried to console her, but failed at that simple task. The woman instead became lost in Shizuru and wanted all that Shizuru had. However Shizuru had all of herself for another, but the time and the distance was taking its toll as she found herself in a foreign land subjected to staring eyes. Shizuru had always been use to the staring eyes, but since she had been with Natsuki no one stared at her because Natsuki would go on defensive. Shizuru found that without Natsuki the world was coming back to her at a startling rate.

So during her first few weeks in America she could not seem to shrug the sensation of staring eyes bringing an odd amount of paranoia. So Shizuru had found a spot on campus to relax at until one day and group of girls would gather near by to point and gossip about what Shizuru's background could be. Shizuru tried her best for three days to ignore this and when she believed she had to take care of it herself a woman approached the group in a stoic manner. Shizuru had just watched in awe of this woman who was wearing nicely fitting blue jeans and razor back tank top showing her nicely defined shoulders and very thin waist. The girls started bricking at the woman and woman grabbed one the near by mouthy girls by the shirt. Shizuru heart skipped a beat. She had encountered an American Natsuki. However she didn't know that her heart was warning her. Her mind had fooled her and took the warning as a good sign. The damage had been done far too early for anyone to see.

So now the door was held open for Shizuru as Erin quietly waited for the Kyoto woman to walk in. Shizuru walked into her apartment and watched over her shoulder to see if Erin would stay or leave. The red orbs met with hazel orbs and Erin sighed and turned her head to the side.

"I should go." Erin said in a low voice. "I destroyed something beautiful."

Shizuru closed her eyes as her heart started another waves of painful stabs against her. Shizuru mind was telling her to stop Erin but her heart was too busy killing her. So Shizuru sighed and tossed her phone on the couch and mental crumbled while freezing over on the outside.

"Go…and leave your copy of my key…" Shizuru accent flowed so perfectly that it made Erin go speechless and then the American woman laughed.

"I only thought Americans could do that…bravo Shizuru." Erin said attempting to conceal the hurt in her voice. Shizuru heard the sound of jingling keys again and then the sound of a solitary key hitting the ground. "All I ever wanted to do was to love you, Shizuru. That's all…" The door slammed as Shizuru remained standing hand clasped against her heart that would not let up from the emotional pain that was manifesting into real pain.

The time since the faithful call had been more than three weeks; almost a month completely apart and without Natsuki's love. Shizuru cursed herself. If she hadn't called she would still have Natsuki, but no. _NO NO….I would not have her….I'd be with erin too. And…I'd be burning a hole inside myself. This is for the best. I cannot have my Natsuki any longer…she would not want me anymore. I love you Natsuki…I always will and I must push forward. I have to…..no…I can't say it._ Shizuru stoic face broke as tears rolled down and she shouted aloud.

"NATSUKI!" Shizuru's voice died down as she felt arms wrap around her. Shizuru mind began to scatter because she knew it was not Natsuki, but she wanted it to be so badly.

"I'm not going to let you hurt alone Shizuru. I said I'm not leaving you. Please let me do something to comfort you. You cannot do this to yourself. You have lost Natsuki. You have to admit that." Erin said compensating for her weight and Shizuru's.

"No, no, I haven't lost her. I saved her….you don't understand what I've done for her." Shizuru voice was real. The pain in it was real and it was the first time Erin had felt and heard this side of her. "She is _my_ Natsuki. I won her with my death, I won her heart with my lips. I want to be with….no…no…she can't want me any longer." Shizuru broke free and pushed Erin away. Erin back up seeing crazed eyes upon Shizuru.

"YOU!...if you hadn't taken the phone away!"

"You were living a LIE!"

"It wasn't suppose to eb that way!"

"You can't be serious…you could have kept me as a side item!"

"YES!"

The arguing voices echoed back and forth as voices were silenced by one large slapping sound and followed by a terrifying scream.

"GET OUT!!!" Shizuru yelled as blood trickled down the corner of her mouth. Her mind was shooting memories at her like a bad slide show. The Carnival was back in her mind. After some many years she had to face her darker self again and she watched Erin standing the shaking from the woman who stood in front of her. Shizuru walked forwad making Erin back up.

"I said out…" Shizuru said in a quavering voice. " I cannot do this anymore. Besides…I have one more week. I'm going back home to finish my masters." Shizuru's voice became matter of fact and cold. "You were good to me. If you want compensation…you can have it."

"Bitch…" was all Erin could muster and she finally made her leave. Shizuru stood watching not wiping the blood or the tears. She had shed them just for one person; _Natsuki I'm coming home._

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_reviews are not needed_


	5. Choices

A/N: BEWARE THE BETA-LESS STORIES BY KARA PAPAS!!!

Disclaimer: Sunrise own Mai-hime but the drama is mine!

**Without**

_Choices_

The heart will love and once it does it is hard to make the heart stop knowing that love because when a heart wants; it wants forever. So the time was narrowing down for the Kyoto woman as she finished up her semester in America. The courses taught what she needed for her some of her master's degree and it would be ideal for her to finish school there however she could not stay. Although she had broken Erin. She had not been broken herself. Shizuru has become wounded on another side of her heart. She was lost in the vastness of the wound as she could not find what love was. Love no longer had the face that she so secretly longed for. The wound had split too deep reaching other wounds and scars ripping them open. The pain ran deeper as she was drowning in the sins of her actions. Her responsibility to the one she had used. Yes that was what she did. Shizuru knew it her heart she had used Erin to console her needs and her hearts blind need for some form of love but the love was misguided and became real. The emotions that were so easily toyed with she found were just as real as anything else. _She does not love me anymore...but who do I want to love me? Who do I want to love? Why should I love? What is the use in love when it is more painful than...no, no, no, no, NO_!

The motion was a fast spinning; going faster and faster making anxiety feel like nothing and nothing became something to feel. The lovers no more were how Shizuru and Natsuki stood. A couple that had with stood against countless stories between one another always destined to be together. Their personal drama forever and together.

_I can walk these hallways forever. The steps of my own feet they echo so strongly. I can hear the soles connect to the ground and peel from it in every motion. My keys are fixed on my belt and they swish as my hip rock with the stride. My breathing is the one thig that could tell you anything you wanted to know. First, I breathe in deep through my nose filling my chest until my lungs can expand no more as my chest rises. I then gently part my lips letting everything out making my lung collapse faster than they filled. The sound of the breath that is exhaled...that tells you everything. Each time I exhale...no, each time I exhale you die in my heart more but not completely; never. Shizuru...oh, Shizuru._ The guard that would be Natsuki Kuga managed on with every breath and every step. She was the same in her stride from her bike to the door of her dormitory as she silently unlocked the door. The blue haired girl placed her helmet on the ground and began the unbutton her shirt and loosen her belt as she walked towards the bathroom. The lights were off in the dormitory, but she knew her way around. The water took about ten second to get warm and Natsuki decided to let the tub fill as she discarded the rest of her clothing onto the ground. Natsuki had only turned on the low light in the bathroom so it was dimly lit as she submerged herself into that warm bath.

Submerging into her own fit of darkness as her heart began the same dance that Shizuru's was in. Natsuki had been wounded in another manner. The wounds were just as deep but so different that the pains could not be compared but they fit together so well. The absence of her lover made her see that maybe it was the consolation of their needs that made them love each other so easily, but being together made her know that she had to have loved Shizuru. How do you define love? The two women were haunted by that question, but with that question were they women or just girls. Yes, girls, that was what they were when it came down to how they knew love. Their love could not mature because they had fallen so early together. The age should not make a difference.

Soon, was another word that haunted the one who stood in the middle of the lovers. Mai knew something was coming soon. Somehow she knew the problem she made for Natsuki was partially her fault, but in reality it was the choices of the two, Shizuru and Natsuki, that was what made everything crumble.

_Each day since last week I have not awoken with Natsuki at my side. I wake up and she's sleeping on her old couch. Somehow I think she cries in her sleep because her eyes are so sore each morning, but she swears it is her job that makes her eyes dry. Silly girl, you can't lie to me. But why are you? _

"Natsuki…" Mai gently said as patted against the covered lump of sheet on the couch. The mass moved a bit as it shifting to lay of its side which was common for Natsuki to do when she would be awoken on the couch.

"mmmm…what it is?" Natsuki groaned. Mai sucked at her teeth and sighed gently.

"If you don't get up now I won't make you your special lunch!" Mai said in a serious tone which didn't fit the situation since it look as if she was talking to laundry other than Natsuki.

"You always try that on me. Why?" Natsuki sat up as the covers fell down at her waist exposing her tried body. Her eyes were surrounded by dark circles and she gone a sickly pale. Mai looked away trying to ignore what Natsuki had started to look like as she continued talking to her.

"Are you going to come to class today or are you skipping out again?" Mai protested. Natsuki got up and cussed quietly to herself mocking Mai. The orange haired girl's eyebrows twitched ever so slightly and she could take it no longer as she whipped around to shout as the raven haired girl was there and put her index finger against the busty girl's mouth.

"Shhh…shhhh…" Natsuki was not looking at Mai's eyes but her lips. Mai's heart hollowed and sunk. Natsuki was dying on the inside and now it was showing through. The eyes, those green eyes had no more life in them. If they did, the life was buried somewhere very deep where no one could reach it. Natsuki was not concerned with that. She had her eyes fixed on those lips as images shot into her head of other lips she had wanted to taste so badly. Natsuki felt she was cruel in how she went about this. She wanted to kiss Shizuru every time she awoke but she was not there and the rush of everything that had happened echoed in her mind.

"_STOP!!!"_

Natsuki leaned in when the word that she echoed in her mind existed the lips in front of her.

"Stop!" Mai's voice, it was Mai's voice and it was sounding hurt. Natsuki finally looked up and Mai's beautiful violet eyes had the same pain in them the day Tate and her split. The pain was there but it was new. This pain was now marked with Natsuki's name.

"Natsuki, just stop it. You do this almost every morning…and the way you kiss me. It has been different. It is like you are kissing someone else. You aren't kissing me…damn…look at the time. I should go….don't want to be late for being early." The words that exited Mai's mouth towards the end made no sense. However they made perfect sense if you were a third party in the room. The two women were stricken with tension and raw negative emotions. Mai struggled to get by Natsuki who really wasn't moving so it was more like Mai was waiting for Natsuki to stop her. The emotion behind the action was simple she wanted to be wanted; to be needed and have someone rely upon her. Finally Mai realized that Natsuki would not stop her. She the orange haired woman grabbed her things and left.

Natsuki quickly slipped on some of her jeans and walked to her bedroom to get the rest of her clothes on when she passed her cellphone. The phone began to ring and Natsuki grabbed it flipping open as usual. The caller was unknown so Natsuki questioned the actual identity to the caller looking at the numbers closely. The number was local so she knew it had to be someone or maybe a wrong number.

"Hello this is Natsuki Kuga." The girl said placing a hand on her hip while staring up at the ceiling stretching her neck out.

"Natsuki…I'm home."

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Mini Feed 

Natsuki: Why am I so emo?

Shizuru: Ara, I have to ask that too?

Mai: Why am I screwing Natsuki???????????

Kara:-sneeking out again-

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wackie! 


	6. Home

A/N: -goes green- Too much to drink this morning...like it...please...it's full of angst!

A/N2: OMG I vealed the veil! -hops on broom-

Disclaimer: Sunrise owns Mai Hime

Without _by Kara papas_

Home

The accented voice responded into the phone and it traveled ever so perfectly to the ears of the gruff biker girl. Natsuki could see, in her mind, the movement of those lips, saying those words. The movement was intoxicating and the parting of the lips, she paid close attention to that as it was sound she had missed. The tone of the voice was different though like it was a dream or perhaps the owner of the voice was dreaming. The patience breaths beat against the phone as Natsuki couldn't find what she wanted to say. She had become so gone and out that she had forgotten how to control this sensation of love for _her_.

The halting of her breathing altered Shizuru that Natsuki was not expecting this; that she was never to be anticipated into the daily scheme that was Natsuki's life. Shizuru heart became unsettled as her hand trembled holding the phone as the rush of rejection filtered through her body her knees started to feel weak, but she was in public she had to compose herself she had to place back an old mask she used so long ago when the girls were truly still just girls unaware of the affect the that they had upon each other. Meanwhile Natsuki did not know what to think as she stood in a state of complete and total shock. Her mind was in total overload at the hearing Shizuru voice because it was torture. Natsuki could see in her in her very own mind and see those lush lips that she could kiss at anytime she pleased because she just could. Now Natsuki knew things were different as the image in her mind, her memories, placated her with some of her most innocent and intimate moments she shared with Shizuru. Natsuki had only ever been with Shizuru and Shizuru had only ever been with Natsuki.

"Natsuki…" The Kyoto accent lingered upon each syllable of the raven haired girl's name and then she hung up. Her red orbs tightly hidden behind the veil of her silky eyelids. Her hand was still clutched on the pay phone in the airport when someone behind her approached.

"Excuse me ma'am….are you done." Shizuru snapped out of her revere and spun around releasing the phone and bow in apology to the individual waiting.

"No, please, go right ahead." Shizuru said politely as she walked towards baggage claim. Shizuru only had one place to go to and that was the apartment she once shared with Natsuki. She had never sold it but made sure while she was traveling that the apartment stay in good order. So with a heavy heart Shizuru effortlessly cleared her mind and focused on the sounds of her feet as she approach the bag lift and quickly caught sight of her bag and gently reached out for it when a hand grabbed it for her.

"Really now! Acting so foolishly Fujino!" A loud and obnoxious voice said. Shizuru turned her head to the body attached to the hand that now held her bag. Before her was none other than Suzushiro Haruka. She seemed shocked to see Shizuru in such a dazed stated, but went right along and grabbed Shizuru's other arm and dragged her out of the airport and into her limo.

"I can't believe you! Stupid tea drinking maniac." Haruka said as she buckled herself in. Shizuru quietly did the same thing and then looked at Haruka quietly and started giggling. Haruka got a light blush on her face.

"Ara, I believe it has been far too long since the last time I saw you Haruka-chan." Shizuru said almost affectionately becoming very nostalgic. The blonde rubbed the back of her head and grinned. "So, where is it that you are taking me Suzushiro." Shizuru said more formally in a teasing fashion. Haruka found herself at a loss for what she was doing and her face went blank.

"I hadn't thought that far to be completely honest Shizuru. Would you like to stay at my mansion or would you like me to take you home wherever that maybe?" Shizuru sighed and thought for once she'd take Haruka up on her offer.

"Haruka, you are far to kind to offer your place for me to stay at. I would be delighted." Shizuru said with a smile and relaxed finally. She was home and she had been saved by the most unlikely of people, but all in all it was wonderful.

However things were not as simple for the other end of the phone. Natsuki was on her motorcycle hastily rushing towards the airport to find Shizuru. Everything in her heart was telling her to go to find Shizuru and to apologize for anything and everything. She just needed to be with her again to breathe the same air. Natsuki did not care at what risk, but she would get there. The raven haired girl searched as far as the security would allow her search and after wasting her entire morning at the airport the distraught woman slowly sped back to Fuka University's dorms. Upon entering Natsuki was met with a loud booming voice.

"BAKA!" Mai screamed hurling a book at Natsuki. Natsuki brought her arms up to block the in coming impact. Normally she'd just catch it but this time it hit her scrapping her arm. Mai was baffled but still quite angry with Natsuki for ditching her classes. Natsuki walked in the direction of the bedroom ignoring Mai.

"Natsuki! NATSUKI!!!! NAT-SU-KI!!!!" The last part of the banter got to Natsuki and she whipped around yelled back at Mai.

"What the fuck do you want from me MAI!!! What do you want? You want me to fuck you or something? Because I'm trashed. I need to sleep. I can service you later bitch." It was the first time Natsuki had ever done anything like that before. She was hurt but not by Mai, but her internal struggle was breaking free. She had been lost to the maze of mirrors in her mind. She had to face herself no matter where she went for refuge in her head and now the ugly side of her escaped into her waking world. Mai walked over with her head down and stood before Natsuki who was shaking with anger. Natsuki had not come out of her rage against herself but was focusing it outside of herself now.

Mai could have reacted in classic fashion but she humbled herself and wrapped her arms around Natsuki waste and rest her head on Natsuki's shoulder breaking the rage in Natsuki's heart. The raven haired woman had come to her senses and replayed the recent events in her mind and was horrified with herself and began to mumble.

"M-mai, I'm so…."

"Shut up…"

"But"

"Just shut up and let me comfort you."

The two women stood in the dorm like that until Mai released her gripp and tried to walk away from Natsuki when the raven haired woman grabbed her by the wrist. Natsuki pulled Mai to her and lifted Mai's head to hers and kissed the busty woman's lips and parting them. Mai knew this was much different from the woman she felt this morning. Natsuki was back, but for how long.

_Natsuki, I know what you know. I heard it today from Kikukawa-san. Shizuru has returned, but she did not come for you. What has happened? What have you been keeping from me? I knew this day would come. I shouldn't have let you do what you had wished. I should have fought you, but the way you made me feel. The way my body aches for yours. Maybe I am lost in something other than love but this. Yes, this I can feel love. It isn't for anyone else other than me. But you cannot divide love. I know many people believe love can be freely given to many but this kind of love is so unique and I'm so jealous. Now the love has been split forcefully and I'm desperate to keep it._ Mai gently pushed Natsuki into her bedroom kicking the door shut behind them and the lights went off with it as they crashed onto the bed.

_Wash away my pain with your love Mai. I can't go on with this memory of Shizuru and me. I must choose. Forgive Shizuru, but in the next life…we will have each other and never be without again._

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Mini Feed yurianimeotaku style 

Look, I found the missing Mini Feeds for Chapters 2, 3, & 4:

Mini Feed - Chapter 2

Natsuki: Shizuru? Did you read this?

Shizuru: Ikezu.

Kara:-sneeking out again-

Mini Feed - Chapter 3

Kara:-running for her life-

Natsuki:-riding Duran in hot pursuit of Kara- Stay on her!

Shizuru:-riding Kiyohime circling around to cut Kara off- Bring her to me!

Mini Feed - Chapter 4

Kara:-on knees in front of Duran and Kiyohime- Kanin na, kanin na, kanin na.

Natsuki:-standing atop Duran- So?

Shizuru:-standing with her arm around Natsuki atop Duran- Natsuki, give Kara a chance, ne?

Mini Feed - Chapter 6 Kara style

Mai: -runs out of room and barfs-

Natsuki: Does this mean I'm not emo anymore?

Shizuru: Ara, I'll be takign advantage of Haruka-chan's riches.

Kara: I'll get you yurianimeotaku...and your little dog too! -flies off on a broom with a black getup and strange pointy hat-


	7. Months

Mini feed Opening Special!!!

**Mini Feed - Chapter 6 (yurianimeotaku style)  
**  
Mai:-filling up a bucket of water-

Natsuki: Mai? What are you going to do with that?

Mai:-finishes filling first bucket & starts filling up second bucket- Where's Shizuru?

Shizuru: Hai?

Mai:-hands Shizuru the first filled bucket-

Natsuki: Mai?

Mai:-finishes filling second bucket & starts filling up third bucket- Natsuki, take this. -hands Natsuki the second filled bucket-

Natsuki: Mai? What are we going to do with these?

Mai: Call your children. We're going on a witch hunt.

**A/N:** This is SOOOOO exciting that I'm actually posting someone else's mini feed's into my story for my story. Thanks yurianimeotaku!!!

**rainee-chan:**cant say anything- too speechless x3

**Demel aka Sugador:** O.O Haruka learned how to speak??

**volk83:** WHAT THE HELL!? are you serious?

**kiangs: **i still have high hopes for shiznat.-sigh-

Hahaha! Some of the reviews that stood out...I got a good laugh out of them. But I needed to right my wrong...but have I?

* * *

**Without** by _Kara papas_

Months

_My thoughts keep going to that place where I dare not look as my hand wraps around the hand of my, no I can't call her that, my friend. What the hell is that?! The friend I fuck almost every week. I can't believe I get pulled into these thoughts at times. But I have to fight it. I have to fight that urge to fine your picture that is sealed within my heart. I can't even say your name without falling back into knowing that I am without you. I love you….i love you so fucking much it hurts me and scares me that I could love someone as beautiful as you. NO NO NO NO NO! Stop Natsuki….snap out of it._

"Natsuki what's wrong?" Mai said in a quiet voice as the two walked down the hallway of the business building in Fuka University. Natsuki looked at Mai and looked back down at the wooden layout of the hallway's floor.

"I don't know." Natsuki said in a low mumble earning a gentle kiss on the cheek. Natsuki stopped still and Mai giggled when she felt the tug on the sudden motionless Natsuki. "Mou, Mai, don't do that."

Mai smiled and put her hands on Natsuki's waist and moved them to the small of Natsuki's back. Natsuki glowed a nice red and looked off to the side facing the window that overlooked the square. Mai leaned in and was about to kiss Natsuki on the cheek again when she felt the sudden presence of eyes upon her from behind Natsuki. As Mai went to look up she only hear the sound of heels and the tail end of tawny colored hair. Mai shrugged it off and did not even register who it was. Natsuki pushed Mai away from her body and shoved her hands into her jeans.

"Ne, Mai?" Natsuki coyly asked as the blood ran from her face letting her skin go back to its normal pale color. Mai had her arms crossed and was looking away from Natsuki. She hated it when Natsuki would push her away that always reminded her that she would never amount to anything close to Shizuru although she never dare say Shizuru's name. It had been almost a month since Natsuki received that call and Mai had mentioned Shizuru's name about two weeks ago and Natsuki left the dorm and didn't come back until next day. So Mai sighed and looked back at Natsuki who seemed almost lost in her expression.

"Yes." Always a simple conversation between the two, but it spoke volume about how well they knew each other. Natsuki grinned and grabbed Mai's hand. The gesture broke Mai's heart to no end because this girl was so sweet and she forgot that Natsuki was older than her at times, but it reminded her that Natsuki was a real loner.

"I just wanted to let you know that I'm going to pick you up tonight. Okay?" Natsuki said sweetly after kissing Mai gently on the cheek. Mai blushed slightly and nodded her head. Natsuki quickly walked away and found herself standing in the square that she was looking at earlier from the second floor of the business building. The raven haired girl heart started to beat uncontrollably as if it sensed something she could not or had long forgotten.

Not too far from Natsuki stood a Kyoto born woman now only three year away from turning thirty and almost done with her master's degree. The woman sighed heavily and whispered the name of the person who would not even say hers.

"Natsuki…" The wind carried her voice to the raven haired woman's ears. Natsuki quickly looked around as she swore she her name from that voice she so longed for secretly. Shizuru remained hidden as Natsuki looked around. Natsuki calmed herself down and began to walk when Shizuru walked out from where she had been hiding. Shizuru stared at the woman she fell in love with. Natsuki frame was much weaker than the last time she had seen her, but that was almost a year passed. Nonetheless Shizuru could not believe what she saw Natsuki still looked the same and to most people they would not notice, but Shizuru did. Natsuki had lost went and her beautiful raven hair didn't have the same lustrous shine. Shizuru knew that Natsuki wasn't sleeping from a just the way the girl wobbled as she walked. Shizuru sighed and looked at her watched. She was on a different schedule than the other students. She had one last final to take that day and she would be done with Fuka University forever.

"SHIZURU!!!!!!!!!!!!!" A loud voice bellowed and Natsuki heard the name which made her whip her head around along with her body. Shizuru's eyes went wide as she recognized the voice; none other than Haruka. The tawny haired woman looked down not realizing that Natsuki had turned around. So in that moment Natsuki eye fell upon Shizuru. The raven haired girl's heart shattered. Before her was the love of her life and how long had she been standing there watching. Shizuru turned around and walked away smiling and Natsuki took a deep breath also turning away.

_She does not know that I have found her. So I will not let her know. I want her to find me. Perhaps she has found me, but…no I don't want to dwell. I must go back. I have to go back. I can't….I'll just pick Mai up tonight._

The raven haired girl patrolled the hallways of Sears Medical with much vigor that night as she was going over her thoughts about what she should do if she runs into Shizuru. As Natsuki thought that she found someone suspicious roaming the same hallway she was in and as soon as they heard her they bolted off.

"Shit!" Natsuki started to run after the guy wondering why he was running in the first place. Perhaps this was her employer's sick way of making sure she did her job, by hiring people to break into Sears Medical Foundation. Natsuki hated that she was the only security guard that patrolled this region of the Foundation. The guy obviously had to have come from the other direction as Natsuki heard the man bicker to himself out loud.

"Fuck fuck fuck!" As Natsuki got closer she calmed herself down and walked over to the guy who was seemingly cornered.

"I don't know who the hell you are, but please lower yourself to the ground before I beat the shit out of you and don't think I can't." Natsuki said holding out one hand as they other went for the pistol she had on her belt. The man's eyes were wild had he lunged forward at Natsuki making her fall back wards and kick out nailing the guy in the stomach sending him sailing back into the wall behind him. Natsuki stood up and radioed for the police and called for her shift switch.

The shift change over guy walked over to Natsuki who was looming near by the vandal. The other security sucked at his teeth letting Natsuki know he was there.

"Fuck Kuga…do you think you had to beat this guy up too?" The other guard said laughing as he patted Natsuki on the shoulder as she passed by. Natsuki laughed one laugh and walked to the dressing room, went to her locker taking her belt off, and started unbuttoning her uniform blouse. The raven haired girl sighed as she finished the terribly laborious task and got her civilian clothes back on. Natsuki grumbled as she approached her precious Ducati and place her helmet on as she rushed towards Fuka University. The night classes that Mai took were completely random like always, but Natsuki could live with that because it gave her an excuse to work at different hours so she could provide transportation for Mai. Natsuki finally reached Fuka's school ground when she released she got there far too early. Then raven haired woman gingerly cussed out loud in the privacy of the parking lot where she had to park her bike at. Natsuki then thought as she looked up; _I think I will go to the garden_.

As one was drawn to the garden another was already there sitting alone on a bench sighing to herself. _When did this happen? I can remember everything so clearly. You were standing right there Natsuki. Crushing a delicate flower with your rage, and moving on to the next one. I was just going to tease you but….oh Natsuki. I believe in love at first sight, and I loved you from that moment on. Always, Natsuki…and look what I have done to us. I'm helpless without you. I cannot go without you much longer, but it appears you can._ The chestnut haired woman shut her eyes and lay out on the bench. The garden was such a metaphor for her life she thought. The plants there were so neatly organized but they were always so beautiful. Each flower had a similar bloom, but one flower bloom always remain different in all the years it had been there and been saved from it's fate. The genetic code of that very same flower was passed on year after year; a constant reminder of a meeting scarred into the mind of both women. Shizuru opened her eyes and steadied her breath when she her someone talking out loud.

"Where was that spot? God damn spider webs! How do they do that….ugh…." The voice was feminine but husky and had a tone of constant annoyance. Shizuru remained still as the person passed right by her not even noticing her presence because they were so lost in their own goals. There stood the same one that haunted her not so long ago in a memory. The hand out stretched towards the flower that bore a memory so very dear to Shizuru, and it hit Shizuru who that was. Shizuru sat up in an instant as a tear escaped her eye. Shizuru stood right as Natsuki's hand went around the fragile bloom.

"You shouldn't do that…"

Natsuki stopped cold and slowly turned her head around.

"Beautiful flowers are to be loved since it's doing its best to bloom during its short life, ne?"

"Shizuru…"

* * *

Mini Feed - The kara Way 

Kara: -all soaked- Now if I were really like the West chick I'd be melting now.

Mai: It was a good try!

Natsuki: -still holding a full bucket of water- Stupid author! -splash Kara-

Kara: Water drips from ehr face and she appears not amused-

Shizuru: -Looks over reviews- ara, kiyohimed? That sounds cute.

* * *

Haha! Cliffie! 


	8. Shock

**I LOVE DOING THESE BIG DISCLAIMERS!**

**THIS IS THE LAST CHAPTER OF WITHOUT...SO REJOICE!**

**YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS!**

A/N: I guess I have to say one review did it for me. I'm such a sap. I don't like it when girls cry. -sniffles- because I cry too. So I am ending Without and hopefully you all will like it. Volk-san! I did this for you!

And let's see. Yurianimeotaku. Thank you SOOOOOOOOO much for your deligthful mini feeds. I am sad to say I cannot add your last one in. It would be a real treat. SO if anyone like yurianimeotaku's mini feeds make sure to read the review page.

A/N2: Thank you SOOOO SOOO SOO FOOKING much Tiffany for being my beta! I hope everyone praises her work because I forced the job on her. I pouted and begged for her to beta my story. And she did such a GOOOD job too. Not too mentioned she laughed her ass off at all my errors. So all in good fun. I deserve that. -grins- And I hope again...it is well recieved.

Enjoy the final chapter.

**

* * *

**

**Without** _by Kara Papas_

_beta-ed by Moonfreckle_

Shock

"Shizuru…"

The distance was not too far apart. Yet the distance was so great that the air became thick with so many emotions and such raw intensity that no one would dare interrupt this scene that must have been played out by the gods. It was a sick fate game of the gods as they toyed senselessly with this enduring pair. These lovers crossed at every point always with something to set themselves back, and the moon was decidedly full this night as if to make the garden into a stage for unseen vicarious viewers. The anxiety of the silence slowly tortured all souls present and the two who stood at odds with each other began to replay a memory so sweet and innocent.

A midnight gust blew through the garden and brushed Natsuki's hair in the same manner as the last time she stood there like she was now. She was shocked that Shizuru would dare pull the same stunt twice. Natsuki's hands fell slack at her sides and her chest began to rise and fall so fast that she wondered if she'd pass out from hyperventilation. She forcefully placed one foot down in front of her as if she was learning how to walk again. The movement seemed painful and Shizuru's weak smile could not mirror the one from memory that began to fade. Her crimson eyes were set ablaze and she watched Natsuki as her heart welled and screamed. She could not resist this woman before her but her weakness would not let her step any further. Her pride was not smothering her but the wounds were far deeper than they had ever been.

Natsuki was starting to get a nervous tick as she finally planted her other foot down ahead of the other making only two successful movements towards this specter of her love. Natsuki bottom lip began to tremble as she swore the winds had shifted to blow the scent of Shizuru's perfume in her direction. Natsuki's eyes clenched shut and she balled her fists as hard as she could.

"Why?"

The word hit Shizuru hard and punched a very deep hole into her heart making her physically stagger backwards making the distance between her and Natsuki unchanged. Natsuki opened her eyes and saw Shizuru desperately clench at her chest as the emotions flowed freely from her being. Natsuki had not seen this kind of pain in Shizuru before. The only pain close to this was at the end of the carnival and that was a memory she did not need to have rehashed. It was too late however. The world came crashing in around the two as Natsuki almost snarled at Shizuru.

"Why damn it!!!! Tell me why do you exist! You cruel woman!" Natsuki yelled at Shizuru like her soul was being ripped from her body and all the pain she had felt was sent with that yell. The pain and guilt were present and Shizuru's tears were now shielded by her hands. Natsuki found her strength through her bitter rage and began to violently close the distance between them. The force was stronger than anything nature had willingly shown through the mere actions of emotion. Shizuru could hear her approach and in her defense she screamed back.

"STOP!" Shizuru voice was just as broken. Her beauty was even more intensified by her tear stained face. Natsuki had stopped only about three steps away from Shizuru. The two were still so far apart, and now that Natsuki was so close she could see something in Shizuru's eyes that she had seen in her own after discovering that Shizuru was having an ideal relationship during her studies. Natsuki slapped her hand over her mouth as the realization sunk in; Shizuru had seen her with Mai earlier that day. Shizuru knew and found out in a far worse manner than she did. The sobs were uncontrolled and heavy. Shizuru took a step forward; just a small step, but it was so great that it shook fate itself.

"I love you…" The words were so silent and hushed that they crawled into Natsuki's skin and traveled up her spine sending deep chills and reminded her that she too loves Shizuru. Shizuru's tears dripped to the ground. "I love you enough…." Shizuru looked up at Natsuki as the tears remained flowing as she stretched out her hand to the side of Natsuki's face not even touching her skin but almost so close. Natsuki raised her hand to grab Shizuru's but was halted.

"Stop…Natsuki….just stop…" Shizuru said looking at her lips as if she were starved orphan. "You're always so beautiful, Natsuki….oh god….I can't say it." Shizuru gritted her teeth and shifted her feet to backup which she slowly did. Natsuki's hand extended outward towards Shizuru.

"Please….no…Shizuru….don't do this….everything I love." Natsuki tears started to show. Shizuru almost went mad with the torture of her soul for the green eyes glistening before her.

"Don't say it….God Natsuki…don't say it. You have…someone else. I know who it is. I should have seen it coming…she will not give you up. And my heart is…too much in love with you to let go as well, but Natsuki. Oh Natsuki…I love you enough to let you go." And Shizuru turned away in that moment. Natsuki phone went off right as she was going to charge after Shizuru and tell her how much she still loved her and how she wished she could take everything back. It was too late though. Or was it? Natsuki was cursing herself as she watched Shizuru walk away from her. Shizuru's stride staggered and she'd pause from time to time. Natsuki could hear Shizuru's heavy sobs and cries. Natsuki phone rang again. She looked at the caller ID and it said Mai. She quickly turned it on and held the phone to her face.

"Take the bus home…." Natsuki said quickly and then ripped her phone in half. Shizuru was not too far.

"SHIZURU!" Natsuki screamed. "Shizuru…" Shizuru looked over her shoulder with those rich crimson eyes that instantly pierced into Natsuki soul in that very moment. Natsuki stretched out her hand to Shizuru. "Come back to me…I cannot let you let me go…I love you." Shizuru laughed a bit as the sanity washed away. In a quiet whisper she said another old phrase.

"Do you hate me that much?" It was so soft that even Natsuki had to question what she said to the point where Shizuru screamed it the same way did during the carnival.

"Do you hate me that much?" The words jarred into Natsuki and she watched Shizuru grabbed for her heart again. The Kyoto born woman looked as if she was about to fall and in that moment history replayed itself in an odd manner. Natsuki lunged forward and crashed against the ground catching Shizuru in a trembling embrace.

"Shizuru…." Natsuki whispered against the woman's ear. "I love you…"

Shizuru's arms wrapped her around Natsuki as she buried her face into the woman's raven tresses and kissed her gently against her neck. The sobs were more controlled and steadied out as words formed in her mouth.

"Natsuki, I'll never let you go again. I'll never let you go. Please don't leave me….I don't care if you want anyone else. Let me have you just now. In this moment…And I can go on. No….I can't I can't…..Natsuki. I love you…."

Both women were on their knees as they slowly parted from their embrace. Natsuki smiled ever so sweetly looking upon Shizuru who had wiped her tears clean and still managed to look beautiful. Natsuki brushed the hair from Shizuru's face and cupped her cheek ever so slightly drawing Shizuru in for a kiss. Once again the two women were bonded by their strong love as their lips united. They had broken a nightmare that had been long running and with a unified sigh they continued on into the passionate kiss displaying all that they could into that moment.

_I must have died, Shizuru. I must have died somewhere between this last month and now. This is my next life. And I swear to you….in my heart, but you can hear my heart. I swear I will never be without again._

As whispering hearts do speak, Shizuru's thoughts spoke, no, almost sang to her love's wish and want.

_And I you. Forever….always…I love you, Natsuki._

* * *

_Mini Feed_

Mai: -cries- that is so beautiful. -Hugs Kara- I'm not screwing Natsuki anymore...and I'm back to be straight...right????

Kara: -coughs- I'm not going...-mumbles-

Mai: NANI!!!

Natsuki: -full on blush- Ne, Shizuru...do you want to go and see a movie with me?

Shizuru: -grins- NO, but I'd like to go somewhere else with you.

-Mai goes green-

Mai: Oh man...lesbians...-barfs-

Kara: -nosebleed- Hot lesbians...hehehehe

-Kara sneaks out-

* * *

Again, thank you as alway for enduring my story. I apologize for disrupting the beautiful union of Shiznat-dom. I tried my best to right my evil wrong. And with this story done with I am happy to say I am almost done with another. Please do review...leave me hate mail too. I like anything I get. I'm easy like that -grins- anyhow 

THANK YOU FOR REVIEWING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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